ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
