It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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