I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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