Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
