That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
