OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
