I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
