I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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