I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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