you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
