woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
