go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
