she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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