You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
