she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
