I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
