just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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