I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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