So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
