Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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