remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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