This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
