i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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