so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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