I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
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I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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