The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
