I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
