I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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