What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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