I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
