if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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