my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
