So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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