You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
