i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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