Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
