Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
