i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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