; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
