Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
