he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
