i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER