So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
