I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
