is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.