Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In America we eat man semen.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
