y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
