Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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