The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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