that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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