Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
