oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
