glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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