Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
