I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
