i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
