god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
