she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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