I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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